I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
