She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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