My Higher Power is John Stamos
People in love make me want to vomit
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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