I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
