So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
