I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
