It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
