Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
