But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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