So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
