My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
