dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
MIDGETS
????
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize