I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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