I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
