Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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