I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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