My nipple is on Facebook.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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