i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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