lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
