Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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