My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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