Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
