I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
