My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
