my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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