Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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