Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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