i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
