Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
