Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
