somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
