1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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