life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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