its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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