i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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