you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
