Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
