Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
