Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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