i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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