I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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