i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
