I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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