my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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