Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
