Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
