I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
