Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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