I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
