I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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