im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
