only if we run a train.
done.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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