i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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