Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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