This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
