Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
