I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
