I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
