i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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