I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
