8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
