i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
