Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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