Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
