I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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