Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
