I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
